Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
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when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor