Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
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When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
My son needed a last-minute Halloween costume so I wrapped him like a mummy with my CVS receipt.
You can also scan him for $2 off Advil.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*