Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
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You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300
The caterer: I’m the caterer
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?