[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
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Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.