Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
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For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
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Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.