Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]
DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?
HER: Yes
DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.