There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.