Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
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[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.