[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
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What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?