I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
You Might Also Like
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
$4 #usedbooks
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
My Scottish wife just channeled her inner Braveheart… We finally put the baby to bed, close the door, and she goes, “FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!” 🍷