Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
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Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
stand with me against insufficient seating
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
Just a friendly reminder!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
I know a bad idea when I see one.