My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”