*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
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interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
October already? What’s next? November????
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.