Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.