I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
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Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
“HELP WITH CAT”
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”