*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
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It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
What an awful time to have common sense.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.