Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
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He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
This is always good for a laugh.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
[Snake family queueing to get on the train]
[They spot Samuel L Jackson already on board]
SNAKE DAD: Not this shit again.