You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
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Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
Broom by every window for quick escape.
fourth time’s the charm
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?