If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
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I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.