If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
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Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I guess my package was delivered by Disney animals
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.