He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
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I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
This is so me 😂😂
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.