For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[interview]
Okay, don’t let him know ur a vampire.“What kind of person do u see when u look in the mirror?”
OH COME ON
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.