My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
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Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
If you were thinking of having kids, just know my 5 yr old daughter is upset and crying because her 3 yr old sister likes the same color as her.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo