They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
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(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
😎 🍻
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
What number SPF blocks people?
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.