Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
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me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke