I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
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The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.