NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
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As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.