Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
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Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat