I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
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Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
[paleontology class]
PROFESSOR: can anyone tell me the period in which dinosaurs went extinct?
STUDENT: uh the Jurassic?
PROFESSOR: bingo!
STUDENT: *smug look*
PROFESSOR: *marking paper* I just finished my dumb answers bingo, it was the Cretaceous
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh