“Is this a date? This feels like a date” -blind guy at a farmers market
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Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.