If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
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Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
When you kidnap a writer.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]