My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*