Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
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“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I鈥檓 a genie not a witch
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT鈥 ATE GOLDILOCKS!
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
Before & after 馃槄
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we鈥檙e both sitting in the playpen crying
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I鈥檝e previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode鈥檚 end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part 鈽猴笍
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!