I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
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me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
Bill is short for Billiam
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
[Me]: “I have hat-like reflexes”
[You]: Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
[Me]: *sitting on top of your head* “Nope”
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
❤️🦆
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”