[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I can’t believe “still uses Winamp” is a pre-existing condition now. This feels personal.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.