Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
lmfao
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.