Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
work smarter, not harder
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second