[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
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I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?