remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
choose your gary
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs