Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
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me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
💯😂
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.