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BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Rambo Rambow
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Meowchelangelo
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*