Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
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I needed a laugh this morning.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Don’t touch that.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*– cats
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
When you feel unsuccessful, keep in mind that there are professional Bigfoot hunters.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners