My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
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absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?