I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
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Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
who will stop them
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
🤣
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”