Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
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Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
That’s what I call a flat tire
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.