When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
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Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Him: Who sings American Woman?
Me: Guess Who.
Him: Lenny Kravitz?
Me: Guess Who did it first.
Him: I don’t know.
Me: Guess Who.
Him: …
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer: