If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
You Might Also Like
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
A child is being pushed around in a pink toy convertible while eating a chocolate frosted donut, and I want to ask her how she got this job.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car