a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
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Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
accurate
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*