I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
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Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
How to properly lift a body
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
What the hell happened here.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.