Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
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Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
My beach vacation Google searches
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.